Jean-Claude Van Damme manages to surpass even the Italian neorealists; he wasn’t just born to portray himself, but also his twin—though here, he offers a twist by playing his clone instead. JCVD embodies Edward 'The Torch' Garrotte, a serial killer with a penchant for incinerating the bodies of his victims (the reasoning behind that surname and his failure to employ an actual garrote remains unclear), whom Detective Jake Riley (Michael Rooker) has been pursuing unsuccessfully for three years—right up until Jake’s planned retirement, which he intended to spend repairing boats. It turns out to be a 10 Minute Retirement; a clandestine government agency has created a clone of Garrotte using DNA recovered from a crime scene and requires Jake's assistance in supervising the clone while they hunt down the original killer—although they avoid calling it cloning, preferring instead the term "replicant." The distinction between these terms isn’t adequately clarified, but as far as I can tell, it takes at least a week for a replicant to become fully functional ("God created man in six days; we took longer," ignoring the fact that God made man on the sixth day, which likely explains why their efforts were so protracted). Furthermore, while a clone needs time to develop and mature, a replicant emerges completely formed (seemingly complete, judging by appearances), much like Pallas Athena from Zeus’ forehead—though this is standard practice for clones in movies, I'm unsure why this one feels the need to emphasize that it isn't a clone. Unless director Ringo Lam intentionally wants us to recall Blade Runner (it's rarely wise to remind viewers they could be watching something superior; instead of witnessing "attack ships blazing from Orion's shoulder" and "C-beams glowing in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate,” we get JCVD eating dog food and falling for a prostitute). What’s undeniable is that the Replicant possesses the same muscular physique as Garrotte. Given that achieving Van Damme’s build typically demands significant time and expense at a gym—two resources the Replicant lacks—I can only assume that Garrotte was born, like the baby in Meet the Spartans, with pre-built muscles, a trait his clone inherited (along with an uncontrollable urge to do splits). The question arises: how do the creators expect the Replicant to locate Garrotte? “We’ve enhanced his telepathic ability by re-sequencing his genetic code from the genome. It may be our first, but genetic memory has been scientifically proven"—as has, I suppose, telepathy; genetic memory would allow someone to 'remember' something they never learned (like music or math), while the Replicant can recall specific actions performed by Garrotte. Regardless, the plan is for the Replicant to experience a sort of Proustian moment, and it’s Jake’s responsibility—who presumably knows Garotte as well as Steve Carell understands Proust in Little Miss Sunshine—to trigger that memory. The remainder of the film is an unsuccessful blend of 48 Hrs. and Rain Man—the Replicant essentially functions as a child trapped within the body of a Belgian karate fighter (though, come to think of it, so does the real JCVD)—and fails as both science fiction (the science being rather vague) and chopsocky (a character fighting himself invariably leads to awkwardly staged action sequences). Still, the movie was likely doomed from the start by casting Michael 'Henry Lee Lucas' Rooker in the role of the detective instead of the serial killer.

On September 22, 2026
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