It struck me while watching Noah that it might have been created by people who don’t believe in God. It seems like they're treating scripture as a rough draft. However, co-writer and director Darren Aronofsky isn’t messing around with the traditional prohibitions, instead replacing “the Lord” with "the Creator." In the film, Noah (Russell Crowe) tells his wife Naamah (Jennifer Connelly) that “[the Creator] is going to destroy the world,” which would presumably make him “the Destroyer.” This might be where the saying 'when it rains it pours' comes from; after all, the characters are already living in a desolate landscape, so destroying it would definitely feel excessive. Noah seeks advice from his grandfather Methuselah (Anthony Hopkins). The Bible says Noah invented wine, but it doesn’t mention that Methuselah invented tea—that’s quite an accomplishment itself, considering water and leaves, the essential ingredients for making it (not to mention fuel for a fire and kindling), are completely absent. Fortunately, Methuselah has a magical seed that can grow a whole forest overnight, something he apparently saved specifically for Noah. Noah uses the wood from these trees to build the Ark, which operates on the Field of Dreams Principle: 'If you build it, they will come'—in this case, "they" being two of every animal, all clearly belonging to a manufactured species. The visual effects are one of the few enjoyable aspects; especially the “Watchers” (fallen angels transformed into rock-like figures voiced by Frank Langella and Nick Nolte, among others), as well as the montage accompanying Noah's narration of Genesis. The Ark itself and the flood sequence are also quite impressive, and I appreciate how Aronofsky shows Noah’s sons experiencing Rapid Aging Syndrome to illustrate the many years it would take to complete such a massive project. The issue is that they grow up to be played by actors like Emma Watson, Logan Lerman, and Douglas Booth, all of whom have impossibly perfect hair, skin, and teeth—unless Methuselah also invented shampoo and toothpaste in addition to tea. Overall, though, the best part of the movie is Ray Winstone's performance as Tubalcaín. He’s positioned as the villain, but his character is actually the most reasonable one, and Winstone’s delivery reinforces his beliefs. He rightly points out that both the Creator and the Noah Crowe portrays—who seems like a proto-David Koresh—have become power-hungry. His madness is understandable though; "if the noise of all those animals didn't drive Noah insane (not to mention the insect bites), the smell should have killed him" (The Skeptic’s Dictionary).

On September 22, 2026
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